Who Sang Your Horoscope for Today? “Weird Al” Yankovic

“Weird Al” Yankovic Running With Scissors cover art
Release information
Release Date: 1999-6-29
producer: “Weird Al” Yankovic
lead vocals: “Weird Al” Yankovic
vocal: Tress MacNeille
trumpet: Tavis Werts
mixer: Tony Papa
engineer: Tony Papa
saxophone: Tom Evans
trombone: Dan Regan
trombone & trumpet: Lee Thornburg
assistant engineer: Jeff Moses and Fredrik Sarhagen

[Verse 1]
There's travel in your future when your tongue
Freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
By playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos
With the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance
No matter what those idiots at work say

The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf
Then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today

[Verse 2]
Your birthday party will be ruined once again
By your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend
The rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
While taking your driver's test

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
And staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent
Except for you
Expect a big surprise today
When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick


Now you may find it inconceivable
Or at the very least a bit unlikely
That the relative position of the planets
And the stars could have a special deep significance
Or meaning that exclusively applies to only you
But let me give you my assurance
That these forecasts and predictions
Are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize
That every single one of them is absolutely true

Where was I?

[Verse 3]
A big promotion is just around the corner
For someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Get ready for an unexpected trip
When you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem
You stupid freak

All your friends are laughing behind your back
(Kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
You've got hanging in your den

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
But you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

[Chorus] x2

Enhanced CD 1
  • 1 The Saga Begins
  • 2 My Baby’s in Love With Eddie Vedder
  • 3 Pretty Fly for a Rabbi
  • 4 The Weird Al Show Theme
  • 5 Jerry Springer
  • 6 Germs
  • 7 Polka Power!
  • 8 Your Horoscope for Today
  • 9 It’s All About the Pentiums
  • 10 Truck Drivin’ Song
  • 11 Grapefruit Diet
  • 12 Albuquerque
  • 13 "Weird Al" Yankovic: (There's No) Going Home (excerpt)

  • Release information
    label: Way Moby
    country(area): United States
    format: Enhanced CD
    barcode: 614223211824
    script: Latin